A modern retelling of a classic seasonal verse, with additional silliness. This twist is for, in no particular order: Jack, Martha, Ethan, Conrad, Kobe, Harrison and Expecting… The biggest things at Christmas time are the littlest people.
A side note from the Satyr-It’s strange how inspiration can come about. All it took was one snivelling pro-Trump degenerate cracking into my eBay account and purchasing an Apple mac or five and Eureka! New story. Every cloud has a silver lining. Or so they say.
So here you have it, white collar crime folk, thank you for bringing this story to me and indeed my readers. And just in the St. Nick of time too…Seasonal greetings everyone < :- )-
The Night Before Christmas
T’was the night before Christmas when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…
Well, except for two villains, a’ prowling the night
Creeping round Old Mrs Palins’ house, led by torchlight.
Gary and Jordan, were a veritable pair
United in crime, clad in counterfeit sportswear
T’was that time of year again, when they must provide for their kin
All the luxuries expected, to welcome the New Year in.
Neither had had, a real job up to date
Preferring to sponge, off of the welfare state.
So over to the rich side, of their town every year
To pilfer some presents and other assorted gear.
But what the pair didn’t know, was that Grandma Palin was a witch
A peaceable respectable one, homely but not kitsch.
Indeed the seasonal bunting, was all but for show.
Being a pagan she cared little, for reindeer’s and snow.
But she played along every Christmas, for it was both happy and wry;
And she baked breads and cakes, for the elderly nearby.
But the men bound her to a chair, then set her aside
And carried on pillaging, without breaking stride.
Quite rightly Grandma Palin, became quite hotly vexed
To teach these thieves a lesson, she would have them both hexed
So the old dear did mumble and an incantation she did weave
Jinxing the villains and all they touched and perceived.
Lo all of the plunder did significantly alter,
Into big lumps of coal causing both rogues to falter.
The burglars were enraged and turned on the old crow,
‘Turn it all back, we need gifts to bestow!’
Said Mrs Palin, ‘Well Mr Burglars, I would if I could.
But first I need you both, to do something good.
To atone for your crimes and lift off your curse:
Make an honest festive gesture: Open your hearts not your purse.’
‘To dispel my magic’s, all you need do
Is give something back, to the community you eschew.
It need not be pennies or Frankincense or gold
Merely show a little love for all to behold.’
But the chums would have none of it and both curtly said
‘To hell with you woman, we’d rather be dead.’
To this the witch rounded, ‘So be it, it is done!
Not a gift you will enjoy ‘til the spells’ course is run’.
‘Now be off with you both, for I’m a busy gel
And you and your new coal, can go burn in hell!’
The two thugs did huff, then threw down the fuel
Ridiculing the old woman and humbugging the yule.
So off into the night, they went in search of more stock
But alas every gift unwrapped, turned out nothing more than black rock.
The duo began to quaver, as they considered their plight
A change in plan was required, at least for this night.
Gary knew a charlatan who liked to prey on the Ebayer,
And Jordan went to his local, to pick up a hot DVD player.
But the pub had just closed and the hacker was asleep,
So both men moaned wretchedly and into their palms did weep.
Whined Jordan, ‘There’s nothing else for it, we’ll just have to submit;
Do the witches bidding, or our families will fit!’
Cried Gary, ‘Let’s do some good, for the people we’ve done wrong.
And hope to god it works or we’ll have no household to belong’.
So the thieves turned to thinking, a somewhat dubious notion
How to repay the town, and prove to their kin their devotion.
Hence they made a plan, both brilliant and bright
Then ran back to old Grandma Palins to set everything right.
Sang the Witch, ‘that’s the way lads, I knew you’d come through;
Now up and dashing both, you’ve got lots to do.’
So the pair spent the dawn, diligent on their plan
And soon it was finished with a little help from the old gran.
A carefully worded contract, up the witches enchanted chimney flew,
Promising their hard labour once the night’s dilemma was through;
They solemnly promised Santa, they would help him this year and the next
If he could possibly help them, what with them being both destitute and hexed.
High above the land, a familiar sleigh did soar,
Carrying a rosy cheeked fat man and presents galore;
Pulled by eight little reindeer, galloping on through the black,
When an unopened letter arrived, top the bearded man’s sack.
‘Ho, ho, ho, what be this?’ said the jolly old man.
‘A late letter to Santa? Well, I always do what do what I can.’
But then he read more closely and immediately understood
Then hastily changed course for Gary and Jordan’s neighbourhood.
The pair were most shocked, when Santa’s sleigh came to land
Their mouths did drop open as he proffered his hand
Their plan had worked! Who could have wondered?
Santa shook both their palms and smiled as he thundered:
‘Come on then lads you’d best climb aboard,
And let’s get to delivering this yule tide hoard.
There’s something for everyone, ho, ho, even your kin;
Now let’s all hustle, before they realise the trouble you’re in.’
So in jumped the pair and the sleigh took off at speed
So high and so fast that Gary almost wee’ed.
Back on with Santa’s rounds and the duo worked as hard as they might
Depositing gifts in stockings, throughout the rest of the night.
No one was left out, and some households were even repaid
To make up for the previous year’s seasonal raid.
Santa made quite sure, the pair’s homes were both filled
With everything their kin wished for, just as the contract had billed.
Returning to Grandma Palin, the sleigh finally empty of toys
Jolly St. Nick boomed, ‘well done, same again next year boys?’
‘Of course Mr Claus’ they replied full of cheer;
‘We can’t thank you enough, we’ll start work in the New Year.’
Grandma Palin was gleeful and said with a grin,
‘Glad to see you’ve learnt your lesson, now get home to you kin.’
‘We thank you too Grandma Palin, for teaching us right.’
Now Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!’