As we near the end of festival season once more I can’t help but raise an issue that’s been bugging me for a while. Considering the nature of the thing I was at first reluctant. But the situation hasn’t improved as far as I can tell. Therefore I must log my distaste thusly…

Dear So-Called Gentlemen of England,

Is it completely beyond your capacity to use a public toilet correctly? I fail to understand the complexity of it all.

Having recently visited a well-known town in the middle region of the country, let’s call it Nottgranthamdonshirevilleingham, one is becoming increasingly concerned and indeed most perplexed that this is a countrywide phenomenon.

Even I, whom is used to going number twos in the woods (as indeed bears do by the by) have at least an inkling on what is expected in a public lavatory. And indeed, like my beautiful forest a public convenience should be treated in a similar vein. I.e. leave no trace and take away nothing but fond memories.

Is it tantamount to the krypton factor or simply impossible to get everything in the bowl? Preferably the same one you originally sat on? Is it so indecipherable or impossible to remember to use the flush mechanism once the ablution is complete?

What purpose or function does the toilet tissue roll serve whilst entirely unravelled and spread liberally all over the floor? Yes it may be thoroughly absorbent, but the only liquid on the floor would have come from you or should already be in the toilet!

Are you under the delusion that those of us of a serving stock like to constantly remedy your mess? As if they have nothing better to do?

Clearly the next user of that particular cubicle is going to need it in much the same vein, and clearly that person isn’t going to be you again, unless of course you have a severe stomach upset of course. Even so, isn’t it a grand idea and genius flash of forethought to leave the scene as neat and as tidy as you would like to find it in the first place?

But wait, are you saying the cubicle was in the state when you came across it? Yet you still used it anyway? My upper left buttock. Even a pig wouldn’t sink so low.

I must confer, a life time or two ago whilst residing in the Anglia region of the country I frequented an educational institute for young mens and womens for they had a rather formidable open library. A rather vast an unwieldly proportion of the student body there was formed of folk from outside of the immediate continent.

Now, I am nowhere near as well travelled as I would like to be. However, it was fair to say that a goodly amount of these students had never even seen what us Brits tend to recognise as, and take for granted, a classic, traditional, British toilet. Or throne as I believe it may be referred to by many.

At first, I will grant you, there were some lavatorial issues being raised. Therefore uprisings within the cohorts of cleaning staff, and quite rightly steps were taken to remedy those issues and introduce a trial-period poster displayed on the back of each and every cubicle door. Those who think I am speaking in jest, see here:

Rant_Lavatorial conduct bmp

(By the way, the above was just a little snippet of a full laminated A4 page. I shouldn’t really have to go into too much detail but you get the picture.)

It’s a good call. Surely degree levels students should be able to follow clear and concise instruction no matter the job in hand. ‘Sit on the seat. Don’t stand.’ Was my particular favourite. The whole thing was done in a considered, well-mannered way; reserved and unobtrusive.

By the way, if any student should be concerned that they should not be studying at degree level, simply take the toilet test. In fact, would it not be a good idea to introduce this test into the application process? If they end up sitting backwards on it, or squatting besides it, reject them immediately.

Anyhoo, it worked. Well, certainly in the halls of accommodation entirely comprised of overseas students. They took note and learned proper toilet etiquette and proper privy propriety.

So why then, in the predominantly English halls was there still an outright problem? Upbringing? Class clash? Moral fibre? Complacency? Idiocy? Bowel and bowl disorder?

Do they do this at their own home? If that’s the case I very much doubt I shall be visiting for tea and scones any time soon. I believe the same issue was raised in regards to the female toilet facilities, but I can’t possibly comment on that as my investigations can only get me so far.

The place I went to recently in Notgranthamdonshirevillehole was much the same, possible worse. Toilet paper is important! Hygiene is incredibly important! Laundry bills are important! Is it a dirty protest by half the country? In which case, who is it aimed at? Not the polish guy with the little yellow slip-hazard sign and a mop who is just trying to earn minimum wage. Not the proprietor of the establishment who in all probability has his own private convenience on site. Is it targeting society in general? Is it a ploy by some underground activist movement raising the concern to the public that we shouldn’t have to relieve ourselves of our waste in such an ignoble manner?

So I put it to you, who are these villains? What is their cause? But more importantly, how do we oust them?  If any of you have an inclining as to who these nefarious miscreants are, let me know. I’d very much like to get to the bottom of this one… Now please wash your hands.

Kindest regards,

The Satyr