Deployments:                                   Battleline (yup, we are that lazy. But it saves time. It was a school night! And we’re still learning…)

The Aim of the Game:                   Break Through (commence teasing Ulthred’s short-legged army…)

Pointage:                                            3000 points

Lists:                                                      Bad Elves Verses Bad Dwarves/ Dwarfs/ Stunty Bastards. For specifics, ask the generals. They like a chat about that sort of thing.

Battle Booze:                                     Idiot Strength Lager and Student Fags.

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This battle report is brought to you via the fortifying power of the finest, vintage eleven wine and best Halfling Pipe-Weed.

Spellage:                                            Again, i forgot to photo King Ulthred’s magic, but he just took his stock choices, Cascading Fire, Flaming Swords and the Infernal Dwarf Hereditary Spell, courtesy of the Magic Heirloom, Haze of Magnesia.

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Naughty Elf Magic, from the ‘Shenanigans’ Lore.

So It Begins…:

Ulthred got to choose the sides so naturally stole the one with the hill in it. Other than that there were no other real reasons for his choice. A pretty open and even field.

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The Field Of Conquest.

After a couple of drops, Scott took the initiative and dropped everything to get the first turn.

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The Dread Elf Deployment. Note, the thing the second RBT is on is a field…yup, a field.
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The Dark Dwarves Deployment.

Vanguarding nastiness occurred where by both of Nemeroth’s Fast Cavalry units sped across the field of attrition to do untold amounts of irritation to the opposing force. Damn their eyes. Damn them.

Dread Elf Turn 1

Shenanigans Phase:       The Dread Judges just side step into the pond. The proud Raptor Knights sally forth to contest midfield; not too aggressively, but certainly enough to worry the opposition.

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The Dread Elf Advance.

The Sorceress loiters around the back of her host ready to provide magical support.

The Dark Raiders plonk themselves right behind the Disciples of Lugar ready to have their presence felt in the shooting phase. Let the irritation commence!

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The Dread Raiders kick-off early with their quest of annoyance.

Magic:                  Card 11.

Scott opened the game with 5D on something to stump Rocket Batteries effectiveness and rolled 1,1,2,2,2. JB decided to dispel so he wouldn’t lose his first turn shooting. Relieved, he succeeded and Nemeroth narrowly avoided taking Witchfire on his loner mage. Bad start. I don’t think anything else was cast….

Spikey Projectile Phaze:               the Dark Raiders loosed off against the Disciples of Lugar. Although one nearly naked naughty dwarf was saved by his Aegis a brother next to him got one in the eye. FIRST BLOOD TO NEMEROTH! Kneel before his mightynessment! Mwah Ha Haaaa!

The Repeater Bolt Thrower (RBT) in the field shot the Gunnery team. Despite it being long range and hard target it was hit twice and a wound went through.

The other RBT aimed at the Kadim Incarnates and took a wound off the furious fiery beasties.

Infernal Dwarves Turn 1

Waddling Phaze:

The Disciples of Lugar didn’t want to go chasing around the Dark Riders all-day so merely turned to face the fast cavalries’ target, the Rocket Battery, ready to counter charge the fleet hoofed steeds should they try and risk taking on the artillery piece in combat. The Disciples themselves were fearless so didn’t mind getting shot in the butt.

The Kadim Incarnates take up a jolly position behind a wall in mid field, taunting the marauding Raptor Knights and effectively blocking them from getting into the main ID battleline.

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The Steady Stunty Advance.

Everything else shuffles forward in a short, stunty-legged type way.

Flamey Phaze:                  Card 1.

Haze of Magnesia (HoM) on the Raptor Knights with 2D, but it was dispelled.

Flaming Swords on the Blunderbuss bunker, cast but the dispel roll failed.

Therefore two lots of the Blaze attribute spumed out at the Raptor Knights (one from the Prophet/ Wizard and one from the Immortals Magic Banner-Icon of the Inferno). Only 3 hits scored and the one wound that went through got armour saved. Dastardly Dread Elves! How dare they not die!

I think Nemeroth was out of dispel dice by now, so JB/ Ulthred did Cascading Fire along with another two spumes of the attribute into the self-same knights. A handful of wound were scored but every last one was armour saved. Apparently dinosaurs aren’t afraid of a little fire.

Shooting:

The gunnery team continued the relentless blistering barrage and also let loose on the poor Raptor knights, managing to take two down!

The Rocket Battery let rip on the poor lizard knights too. Despite its hooting and hollering it only managed to take down a single knight, but it was enough to finally warrant a panic test, which they promptly failed! Piss. Sir Nemeroth was sore disgruntled.

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The Dread Judges, enjoying some quality bathing time, are horrified at the cowardice of the Raptor Knights.

For tricks and sport and the odd giggle Ulthred then pointed his Hobgoblin Stikkaz at the encroaching Acolytes…there followed not a single giggle emitted. Only one humungous gaffore as the pesky archers managed to kill off 3 of the elite, 4++ toting, fast cavalry and triggered a panic test! But it’s no problem as they’re Dis 8. Right? Today is not Nemeroth’s day. The Acolytes turned tail and ran too. Sir Nemeroth is hugely disgruntled. Pity him. Come along now, pity the bad elf.

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The Acolytes panic from the Hob Goblins’ surprisingly deadly volley.

Dread Elf Second Go

Manouverence:                               No charges were issued. The shocked and aghast elven host were rattled and needed to re bolster their mettle and their battle line. Naturally the Raptors swung their charges about the right way ready to head back toward the battle; naturally the Acolytes didn’t and decided to leg it straight off the table without so much as a by your leave…sigh. A much disgruntled Nemeroth’s brow furrows even more. Grrrrr. Revenge!

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The Acolytes flee the field of battle!

I console him with words to the effect of, ‘don’t worry Mukka, you’re just getting all your bad luck out of the way early like…right?’

The Dread Judges anchoring the right flank of the Naughty Elf Battle line leave the soothing warm, pee-filled waters of the pond and hesitatingly form up a battle line with the recently rallied raptors. Damnsome naughty lizards.

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The Dreadcutioners in reserve hastily form up a new battle line.

The Legionnaires, let’s call them the Sky Prodders (it’s the Greenskin in me) gingerly crawl up to the ruins threatening the flank of the Nearly Naked Naughty Dwarvfvfvfvfes.

The Sorceress General ensconces hersen behind a conveniently nearby wall ready to unleash some mystical hell up King Ulthred’s bottom.

The Dark Raiders/ Riders continue to annoy the Nearly Naked Sunties keeping well within their personal space.

Spells and Such:                               Card 8

Ravens Wing opened the magical affairs on 3D…and Nemeroth promptly rolled treble 2…and failed to cast. Sigh.

Twisted Effigy on the Rocket Thingy to stop it firing next turn. Cast on a mighty 20! Furthermore, because of all the Elfy goodness in the ether (Irresistible Will) Ulthred needed to roll one higher to dispel it…so probably quite rightly he lobs his entire pool of dispel dice at it, and dispels it…by one. Sigh.

However, confident now that Ulthred has no power left with which to defend his-sen with, he puts Bewitching Glare on the Rocket What-Have-You to ensure it has a tough time hitting anything in the next turn. The Attribute went on the Raptor Knights to make them move about more and get back into the battle hurriedly.

Shots:   Both the RBTs target the Gunnery Team wiping it off the field in an encouraging manner…huh, perhaps Nemeroth is back in the game…luckily Ulthred’s nearby units hold their ground after the demise of the nearby unit and don’t panic. Phew!

The Dread Riders let loose on the Rocket Thingumy pelting 3 wounds off the damn thing! Take that grizzly dwarves!

Infernal Dwarves Turn 2 – The Infernal Advance!

The Kadim Incarnates charge into the recently rallied Raptor Knights.

The entire Stuntied Army, barring the artillery and their nearly naked defence squad hurtled blithely across the field. It was like a massed stuntied migration of chubby little fiery men.

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The Infernal Advance.

Flambé Phase:  Card 7.

Haze of Magnesia went on the Knights but it was dispelled, and quite rightly so I feel.

Flaming Axes went on the Kadim Incarnates, cast with only 3D, which Nemeroth felt he had to let go…or failed to dispel…something…

Along with the normal attribute another Blaze was formed by the Immortals Magic Banner. Both went on the Dread Judges incinerating 3. Luckily they passed their hot and sweaty test and stayed put.

Cascading Fire was hexed at the prowling Dark Riders still annoying the Naked Stunties but that’s just what the cunning Nemeroth had been sparing his dice for and got rid of it with ease.

Plinky-Plinky Phaze:      The Hob Goblin Dead-Eyes unleash a hail of arrows at the Judge Dreads and manage to down a guy! Over half range and after moving…damn, they good!

The Rocket Thing point-blank blasted the Dark Riders. It got off nine shots, even with the hex on it and blew up 3 of the swift steeds. Another Dread unit failed its Dread Panic Test and ran of the Dread Table. Bah!

Combat:               The knights managed to put 2 wounds on the Incarnates, who retaliate pulling a knight from his scaley mount. The scaly mounts have a chomp too but the one wound caused gets armour saved…by some flames or something…

The Kadim Incarnates do their Volcanic Embrace (a bit like a nice warm hug but with pain involved) and combined with the buff already on them kill another of the knights.

Its 4-2 to the Kadims but the Raptor Knights hold, largely frustrated all-round.

Dread Elf Turn Thrice

Ambulation:      The Judge Dredds flank the Kadims who are now in a bum load of peril.

Pay back time!

The Sorceress sweeps into the Woods, her mini-me Familiar hot in pursuit.

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‘Shhh! I’m hunting stunties!’ The Dread Sorceress is so well camouflaged by the woods the camera can barely pick her up.

Sorcery:               Card 1

Ravens wing on the Sky Prodders. Ulthred doesn’t seem to care and lets it go.

Twisted Effigy on the Blunderbuss housing the Infernal General, a dispel was attempted but failed.

Both Attributes went on the already speedy Sky Prodders.

Ptwang Phaze:                  Both RTBs target the damn Rocket thing on the hill. Only 5 hits were scored…and only one wound went through…lucky bastard thing is still alive!

‘Grraarrgh!!!’ Bellowed Nemeroth.

‘Burn those funking dice!’ Bellowed Ulthred and myself.

‘Grraaaagh!’ Bellowed Nemeroth again.

‘Shut up!’ Cried Lady Nemeroth from her Throne of Power and Comfort.

Hitting Phaze:   The DJs slap first. There were seven guys left and they had hatred. This was going to be good. Payback time Incarnates!

However, the first roll to hit spaffed entirely. Sigh, luckily the next lot of hate filled dice did much betterrer…but due to the moderate aegis of the Incarnates only 2 wounds went through…pity poor Nemeroth. More please…precipitate pity uponst poor Nemeroth. He doesn’t deserve this luck. Really he doesn’t. He’s such a nice, well-spoken boy. Apart from when he’s angry  ; )

Oh…Bugger me, I’ve just re-read my notes…the Dread Judges only managed to put 2 wounds through in total…those 2 wounds were then aegis-saved away! Poor, poor Nemeroth…

The remaining knights swung away but missed entirely, despite the fiery daemon things being as big if not bigger than them…

The Kadims finally pulled themselves together, ceased their inane giggling and had a swing, but they clearly still weren’t altogether there and only pulled down a single DJ.

The Raptors got all bitey and managed to inflict a respectable 3 wounds, sigh…but one got armour saved and the other got aegised…seriously. Not making this up. So only one went through.

The Kadims get a stomp and another DJ goes down in a puddle of people pate. The wretched creatures then do their Volcanic Embrace killing another Dreadful Judge.

Drawn Combat apparently! No musicians present so they all hold for another round. Lawks a-lordy, who saw that coming? Not I.

 

Nasty Dwarves Turn Thrice

Lots of advancing occurred!

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Graargh! Taste fiery righteousness elfies!

The Hob Grots ambled forward again to shoot the RBT in the field.

The Nearly Naked Nasty Dwarves turn to block the Sky Prodders from getting into their back line.

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Defiant ’til the end, the Disciples of Lugar valianatly block the Spearelves from gaining the secondary objective.

Haze of Magnesia Phaze:             Card such and such. Twelvety-Ten probably.

Unsurprisingly Ulthred opened up with Haze of Magnesia on the remnants of the Dread Judicial Personnel Unit to make them all flammable and moist.

Boosted Flaming Swords bubble, but Nemeroth used a healthy portion of his defence dice to put a stop to it.

Boosted Cascading Fire on the Hapless DJs, Nemeroth didn’t have anything left to defend himself with. 5 hits, 3 wounds and 1 AS later and 2 were left dead. Rerolls occurred because of the HoM which wipes out the unfortunate Dread Judges. Boo, Boo, Boo! And thrice nay, Boo!

Dead-Eye Phaze:              The Naughty Goblin archers pelt the RBT in the field, even though they need 7+ to hit. Unsurprisingly no damage is wrought. But stranger things have and will happen…

The Rocket-Thing eyes up the Sorceress skulking in the thickets. 4 shots, only 1 hit, only 1 wound. Lucky lady…And breathe, Nemeroth. I don’t like that sticky-out vein throbbing in your forehead. Put it away.

Hitting Phaze:   The knackered Knights manage to put a wound through onto the Incarnates who then pull the penultimate knight off his dinosaur.

Deano, the last dinosaur, is too pooped to chomp a daemon thingy competantly and fluffed.

Volcanic Embrace doesn’t yield any more damage, so it’s a drawn combat. Both sides decide to have a sit down and mop their brows for a while.

Bad Elves Turn 4-Disciples of Carnage!

I like To Move it, Move It:           The Sky Prodders career into the Disciples of World War Two German Service Pistols.

The lustrous Sorceress legs it away from the Dwarfs stomping about in her territory as fast as her lithe legs will launch her. Change of underwear time me thinks.

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‘Ooooh, too close for comfort!’ The Dread Sorceress gets herself out of dodge.

Spells:  Card 4 (8-5)

Nemeroth: ‘Shenanigans Time!’ Gotta give him credit for hanging in there.

Bewitching Glare on the Kadims with the attribute on the lone Raptor Knight. Ulthred doesn’t seem to mind. Therefore Nemeroth ploughed relentlessly on.

Twisted Effigy on the Blunderbi Unit, which Ulthred failed to dispel. The attribute went on the Knight too.

Will O the Wisp went on the Immortals, and again Ulthred failed to dispel (he’s so used to fighting with his Dwarven Holds army he’s not used to having to roll dice to crumble magic phases.) The Attribute went on the Sky Pokkers.

Repeater Bolt Thrower Phase:   The field-deployed RBT shot at the Rocket thing and finally killed it…just.

The other one levelled at the Immortals but only managed to impale one elite Nasty Dwarf.

Striking Phaze:  The Lone Raptor Knight slaps the last wound off one of the Kadims.

The exhausted lone Kadim whiffed entirely.

The languid lizard whiffed entirely as did the volcanic embrace.

Its 1-0 to the Knackered Knight. With the Infernal BSB so close by the daemon Incarnates don’t suffer any damage for being daemony and beaten.

The Sky Porkers, along with their captain BSB, eviscerate the Disciples of Nakedness before they even swing. That’s better, that’s how it’s done. The Captain earns an extra pip of Armour for he is wearing some sort of item that does such things. The Dread Armour of Nastiness?

I believe at this juncture the Sky Sticks sack off the Secondary Objective and about-turn to face the centre field…oooh! What’s in occurrence?

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Consumed with battle fury after dispatching the Disciples of Lugar, the nimble Spearelves about face and head towards the centre field.

Naughty Stunties Turn 4

Uncharacteristically Hasty Movement Phase:

The Blunderbutts charge the lone knight, they are auto-in because they’re so close.

The Immortals, effected by the Will O the Wisp spell, literally canter across the field into the pond and indeed the enemy deployment zone. Sexy plays.

The Dead-Eyes creep forward again to keep the RBT in the field busy.

Phaze of Magnesia:        Haze of Repeating Myself went on that poor lonesome knight that’s been stuck in centre field for almost the entire battle. But it’s dispelled, huzzah!

Flamming Sticks on the Blunderbutts, failed to cast but with a fizzle. I think the Infernal Wizard is tired too!

Cascading Fire went on the RBT in the field, but it’s dispelled. Hm, boring phase. Haze of Lack Lustre.

Slapping: The damnsome heroic Lone Knight strikes a wound off the remaining fire daemon.

In return the lone Incarnate finally puts an end to this whole sorry mess and pulls the Knight Champion from his steed and stomps on his head. Then collapses from exhaustion. MVP Award right there.

The Blunderpuss over run into the enemy deployment, while the lone Kadim pulls faces at the Sorceress on brown alert in the woods.

Dread Elf Turn 5

Intermission…

Much pondering ensues. Therefore I go out for a drink a smoke. Although I believe I was gone mere seconds, apparently the entire turn was played out in my absence.

Uponst my return, all hell had broken loose and the battlefield looked rather different. I entrusted the task of scribing the events to King Ulthred. However I can’t quite decipher the childish hieroglyphics. So if Nemeroth or Ulthred notices anything wrong let us all know.

Intermission Ends. Please re-take your seats…

Ok, to the best of my understanding, here we go-

The Sorceress runs into the ruins to escape the rampaging fatties with guns.

The Spearmen advance towards centre stage, don’t forget they’ve got extra movement due to spell attributes and things.

Nothing much else moves because there isn’t much else left that isn’t dead or dying.

Magickry:            Card Thrice.

Twisted Effigy went on the Blunderbottoms after a failed dispel.

Boosted Ravens Wing went on the Spearmen launching them a massive 12 inches into centre field. Wiley trixy moves by Lord Nemeroth! Hmmmm, the game is not yet over it seems.

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The Sorcerers hand of Lord Nemeroth descends from the roiling heavens to lend aid to his Spearelves: ‘Suprise!’

Shots:   Both RBTs target the Hobgoblins bearing down on their position with the view to panicking them away. The eagle eyed crewmen just manage to pop off enough grots, but the Infernal BSB holds the cannonfodder in check. On the second attempt. Just.

Infernal Midgets Turn 5

Erratic Repositioning Phase:

The Hob Gits try a comically lengthy charge into the RBT they have been fraternizing with all game but they failed. I think they were too scared personally.

The Immortals pivot about in the pond to face the incoming Spear Prodders hurtling towards them.

The Kadim acts like a cheeky, chaffy, chappy and blocks up the aforementioned elf unit from doing anything too drastic.

The Thunderbottoms also manoeuvre to get out of the over run of those self-same angry elves should they kill the Kadim outright…which they will…

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The Dirty Dark Dwarves hastily about face and organise a ragged line to protect their rears from the rampaging Spears Elves.

Haze of Stella Artois Phaze:       

I’m quite drunk at this point so drop my pen.

After that, Haze of Bibblybabbly-Boo ejaculates all over the Elves gripping long shafts but it’s dispelled with a white-knuckled fist full of dice.

Boosted Cascading Fire also went on the vengeful Sky Pointers which Nemeroth can’t dispel. Both attributes (the extra one coming from the Immortals Banner) roasts 4 elfies in good order.

 

Dread Elves Turn 6-The Charge of the Last Legion.

Moves:

The Sky Spear Peeps charge the Kadim. Graargh! Rewengay!

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The Spearelves crash into the last Kadim Incarnate while their general takes up the rear to support them with magic.

The Sorceress nimbly dashes out of the ruins, avoiding Dangerous Terrains altogether, intent on sending these putrid stunties back to the vile nests.

Magic:  Card 7

Twisted Effigy on the Blunderers, but Ulthred uses his entire pool to dispel it. And dispel it he does.

Will o The Wisp went on the same unit, it’s just cast with the attribute going on the Immortals.

RBT Phaze:          Both of them try to eradicate the harassing Hob Goblins and panic them off the field. Even though a healthy 8 of the fiends were hit only two died! The funk?

Stabbing:             The Elven Captain waggles his impressive banner about then jabs away at the remaining Kadim Incarnate. Although he scores a telling 2 wounds both get Aegised away to the ether. GOD DAMNIT!!!

Lots of his fellow spearelves jab away in alsonessment. Lots of hits are scored and a spectacular 6 wounds are racked up! Although the Plucky Ulthred makes 1 armour save and 3 Aegis the last Incarnate goes down.

A nerve jangling panic test is taken for the Blunderarses next door but they pass on their second attempt. Again.

Infernal Midgets Turn 6

Its showdown time.

The Dead-Eyes charge the pesky RBT in the field.

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Mini-Waaagh!!! The Hob Goblins charge into the pesky Elven Artillery.

No other charges are issued as it appears they wound be too risky. That Elf Captains dynamite! And quite angry it would seem.

Instead the smelly Blunderbottoms ignore the encroaching elves and stomp past them into the woods, their beady eyes set on the Elf General. Durhn, Durhn, Duuuurrhhnn! The plot thickens.

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The Blunderbuss unit are about to leave a nasty taste in Lord Nemeroth’s maw.

The Immortals wade a bit further through the pond, which curiously smells like elf wee, in order to ensure they get the secondary objective. Crafty blighters.

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The Immortals secure the Secondary Objective! And take a well needed bath.

Magic and Indeed the Very Last Phase of the Game:

Sigh. Pity poor Nemeroth. Pity him.

Let’s wrap this up nice and easy. After the obligatory casting of HoM, the Infernal Wizard guy attempts to blast the Dread General with Cleansing Fire. Nemeroth fails to dispel…and I think you can guess what happens next. The sexy sorceress is reduced to smouldering ash and embers and there endeth the game. Phew.

Results:

So, all things considered, the Bad Elves killed 960 points worth of Bad Dwarves.

The Nasty Dwarves incinerated 1973 points worth of Nasty Elves.

Wowzeroo. So a 14 – 6 it would seem.

Then adding the secondary makes it a blistering 17 – 3 to the Infernal Dwarves.

What an insane game. We were all very tired by this time.

MVPs

Elves-    The Captain BSB (Nemroth, you need to name this guy. What a hero!) and his retinue of Sky Pokers. They killed stuff, did some sexy moves and scared the crap out of the majority of the Dwarf army, so much so that their adversaries decided against attempting to scoop up the last few points on the table.

The worst Elven unit was the damn Acolytes who ran straight off the table by the start of turn two. Bastards! Not much fun if you’re a Dread Elf General. Don’t fret though readers, Lord Nemeroth assures me that when he finally catches up with them they will be flayed relentlessly.

ID-          Got to be the Kadim Incarnates, they held out and held off against the cream of the elven army for best part of the battle and chomped up a healthy amount of points in the process. With just 3 guys in the unit! Awesome guys.

Although the rocket thingy didn’t do all the damage it was capable of, it still gets a worthy mention for hanging on so long whilst being pelted with pointy projectiles for 3 or 4 turns. Well done chaps.

Oh yeah, and another special mention has to go to the Hog Goblin Archers, the Dead-Eyes, for bagging themselves a bunch of early points for routing the Acolytes.

Final Thoughts:

Both generals played some tactical blinders. For example, Nemeroth with his teleporting Spear Elves, Ulthred with his Blunderbuss going on a witch hunt in the closing stages of the battle. His Disciples of Lugar second guessing Nemeroths Fast Cavalry moves. The fast cav ignoring them anyway and shooting their chosen target, the Rocket Thingumy, and helping to eventually silence it for good.

Yes, it has to be said that Nemroth’s luck was piss-poor. But then, them’s the breaks. Tis a game of dice. And those unfortunate events will probably never happen again in a life time…me hopes.

There are no certainties in this game. You could have the best list, the best deployment and be focused as hell throughout the game. But if lady luck wants to pee on your camp fire then there’s not a lot you can do about it.

Well it seems Ulthred, aka Jonbob/ JB is getting to grips with his new Infernal Dwarves (miniatures courtesy of Norba Minis, go check ‘em out).

Dice and luck permitting Nemeroth always plays a great magic phase and this was a perfect example. It’s not over until the fat elf sings! He kept the nasty shooting down to a minimum and got his fighting units back into the fray when he needed. Dread Elf Generals the world over, commend Lord Nemeroth for his ‘hanging on in there’ attitude and pity him his luck in equal measure.

Infernal Dwarves with Pyromancey are just terrifying! Especially to Resilience 3 armies. And there’s not much the opponent can do. Shy of hiding in a pond for the entirety of the battle. Again, it just goes to show, luck goes in swings and roundabouts. Although JB brought a lot of synergies to bear with his magic and artillery they didn’t actually manage to do the untold horrendous amounts of damage they could have done. But them’s the breaks.

Rules wise, I think we did everything right. We managed to find everything in the rule book. There was a few faction inherent rules we forgot about but were able to back track slightly and have them sorted out. We’re all still learning. Love the rules.

There were no real rules disputes throughout. If an issue came up, we able to find a rule entry regarding it and it was clear and concise. T9A rocks. Period.

Gentlemen, JB and Scott, If you fancy adding, editing, commenting be my guest. See ya next time.

Peace.

The Satyr.

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